So you get excited. A cute guy just messaged you on Hinge or Tinder, and somehow, you think this one will be different. You talk for a while and exchange jokes about The Office, or talk about your love for Bob’s Burgers. Everything is going pretty well. Nothing seems off. His profile says he is interested in a long-term relationship, and you see that as a green flag. As you progress in conversation, you exchange numbers after you say you’re not giving your Snapchat to a guy when he asks for further communication. Which in experience, when a guy asks for your Snapchat, it is a red flag. You talk for a few hours, and he sends a selfie. Then he suggests hanging out. You think maybe this will be your opportunity to go on a fun date, but then he asks if you can host…. It was never about being long-term or a date; it was always about the man wanting to have sex with you.
Suddenly, you lash out, rightfully so, and are infuriated and feel like your time has been wasted. You were led on with false promises. Men often say makeup is false advertisement but blatantly lying about your intentions is never seen as a lie. You believe things can change from this experience but when you have over 3,500 conversations in your history on Tinder and not one relationship to account for it, you start to think you are the problem. You find a therapist to fix the thing that is wrong with you after you internalize a problem with yourself that doesn’t exist. You now think that because you cannot find a relationship, you are the problem in dating. You wish you were compatible with just one guy, but that doesn’t seem to be the case in all your conversations. After months in therapy, you flat-out ask your therapist if you are the problem, and he responds,” No.” So after all of this, you go searching for an answer, asking all of the men that wasted your time if a relationship was ever the goal. Most of them use the iconic line “I am not in the headspace to be in a relationship”. Three weeks after that, you see them going on a date night with a girl, and they say “She’s my light, I am so grateful” about the girl they just met, seemingly when they were not in a great headspace.
You sit there for a second in awe and disgust. It was never about their “headspace” because they made room in their mind for someone else. Suddenly, you feel so angry and sad at the same time, and your mind begins to rush. Everything is moving so fast. You start breathing heavily. You have rushing thoughts; if your mind were slowed down, you would comprehend, but the thoughts all rush before your eyes like a stream of consciousness you are seeing on a VR device.
What did I even try for?
Some of the guys truly admit to having a fetish, or say it would make their life complicated if they dated a trans girl. You wonder why it is so complicated, and you cannot find one reason. You know, in your heart, that you are a compassionate and loving partner. Your friends enjoy being around you, and you spend quality time with them. Are friends enough, or do you yearn for a romantic connection? This thought passed through my mind. I think everyone wants a deep connection, but not everyone wants a relationship. The evidence contradicts what you see guys state on their dating profiles about wanting a deep connection. If anything, you try to reaffirm yourself, you say the routine words of “I am enough.”
All of this triggers a childhood wound you worked so hard to heal. You begin thinking you are actually not enough, and you may be unlovable. In a world of sexualized media, you wonder if you are attractive. You scroll on Instagram and see countless photos of women living their best lives on vacation with their partners, and while you know you should totally be happy for them, you feel anguish. I know all of this seems blown out of proportion, but in the five years I have been transitioning, I have only made it to one brief relationship with a fellow trans person. It ended abruptly after finding out they cheated, claiming they previously told you they were spending the night at a girl’s house, and while you were trying a polysexual dynamic with them. You go through all of the messages and see they in fact they did not tell you. Cheating is very possible in poly dynamics.
Where does all of this lead you? You go on a quest and visit your favorite beach at night and smoke some weed, put in your Airpods and try to heal. Sometimes you cry, but for some reason the beach always has a way of centering you, despite the awful texture of the sand. You think about the one time (we’ll call them all Mike) Mike said his family would never approve and they are very conservative. You think about the time a guy friend with benefits, with whom you are close, said they wouldn’t date a trans woman. So many of the things you hoped and wished for do not happen, and that is understandable in life. We cannot realistically get everything we want. Before transitioning, you were in a committed relationship for over 4.5 years. You have so many pleasant memories, and while it may have been tough at times, you worked through it with your partner.
If you love me, sung by Brownstone, plays through your headphones. One lyric stands out: “I don’t wanna rain on this parade, I’m starting to question the love that was made, I’m not looking for just an affair, Want a love that is based on truth, not just dare.” You wonder why there is such a stigma around trans women dating straight men. The world answers on Twitter with the main consensus that a man is gay if he dates a trans woman. I was told by my family when coming out as trans, “It makes so much sense now”. My parents said, “I thought you were gay, but that never stood out to you and doesn’t resonate; it is truly not who you are inside”. I presented feminine since I was twelve and stopped for a few years because my previous partner did not like feminine characteristics. So I complied with their wishes just for the hope of love, and all those memories that came with my partner before suddenly seem so shitty. This all causes a spiral of even more anger. The song gets to the good part, and you begin vibing.
You begin to heal.“At Your Best, You Are Love” by Aaliyah plays, and suddenly, the magic you felt when you first came out enters your mind. With all the feelings you just experienced, you try so hard to shut it out, and you begin crying. You are love, and you embody everything about it. You give to countless people.
You think about all of the people you dated and how a few have come out as trans or non-binary, and you make a joke about being a hen, just laying on eggs, incubating them. Shoutout to the eggs.
What ways make you feel loved? Is it the hug from behind when you are cooking food for a man that slept over that night, while you make a small smile and turn around and give him a kiss while caressing his chest? Is it the time that one man deleted his dating profile only to make one without a picture? Does the presence of a man towering over your 5’4 build make you feel safe?
You think of all the guys who are lying about having a wife or just flat out cheat, and you wonder why. Then you feel insecure, thinking that if they ever date you, they will just cheat on you too because they are narcissists and always want something better. Instead of working on their own grass to grow, they look for the illusion of greener grass in the next yard. You wonder why, if they are so unhappy, why do they not just leave, and then you get the excuses. We are not connected at all, and it is easier to share responsibilities, such as financial burdens or caring for their children. They got themselves into this situation, so you try your hardest to feel sympathy for them.
In my entire transition, I have only been on two public dates. Two public dates in five years. That seems like a lot, I know. Calm down, friends, as I rehearse it to myself in a sarcastic way before writing it down here. You have cisgender friends who are already on Boyfriend Seven in the time period you have been out. Everything seems so trivial. You know your needs and look for qualities in a partner that can fulfill them. Are you self-sabotaging? You think back to the time your therapist reassured you that you do not self-sabotage and often have an even-minded logic about the way you approach things.
You see a post on Reddit in /mtf (male to female) often describing trans women, which states, “It’s been a nightmare for me. No idea how, no idea where to look. I’ve managed a few dates over the last two years, but nothing substantial. It gets harder and harder to want to try but damn I’m tired of being lonely.” You know this is not a problem within yourself. It is very widely talked about among trans girlies. The group chat even jokes about it and you think “how stupid am I, defending that man who I thought was an angel?”. You scroll even further and the comment comes up “I have been flat out told – I am not trans if I do not take HRT, therefore they can’t date me” HRT is “hormone replacement therapy” and most commonly consist of testosterone blockers, widely distributed as “spironolactone” and “finasteride” and taking hormonal agents that feminize, like progesterone and estradiol. In my life, I have been discriminated against, but I never thought it would be so hard to find a partner. It has been the hardest thing to just have a casual relationship. That does not even happen.
Even when trans people do not want to change their bodies or take medicines to induce physical transition, they are completely valid. We, as trans people, are often told things about our bodies, but most people should never comment on someone else’s body or make laws on bodies, as seen in conservative states. Bodily autonomy of trans people is the same fight that people capable of pregnancy are facing.
You think back to your main comment after losing focus for a while and rehash. “Am I lovable?” You cry once more but hurry up and stop crying, shutting down your emotions and say “hi” to the couple walking the beach. After all, you cannot have emotions for being trans; you are constantly told, “Can I see your clitty?” as if that’s the right language to use for male-to-female genitalia. Coming from sex work, as a creator, I was used to the objectification of my body, and for a while, I was okay with it . Until one day, when everything comes crashing down, and you think to yourself, “Why am I doing this if I hate it?” You stop immediately and delete all of your promotion engines for the pornographic content you create and focus on healing the trauma from the industry. Some guys you pursued found it to be a turn-on that you created content. I always found that weird, and then the questions came in disguise, as guys tried to hook up with you: “Do you want to make content together?” I ask, “Can your face be in it?” and they always say no. It was never about making content but just having the experience of a girl with a cock.
I will never understand the exotic appeal of trans women because I have never felt exotic. I have always been the sensitive girl from Jersey who grew up by the beach and would often spend summers in the water.
A study done by the University of Michigan around the stigma that trans women experience can be found here. Rejection is a common experience amongst trans women who date cisgender men. You think of all the ways guys have asked you to top them. “Topping” refers to women with a penis penetrating others, mostly through anal or vaginal sex. It is not uncommon. Most of my interactions start with a comment about my physical appearance, and my bios are always filled out with plenty of info about me; guys can comment on things other than my physical appearance. The assumption annoys me that most guys think trans women are dominantly a top. I equate that to the porn which is made of trans women, where women are primarily the top. People do not realize that porn is just acting; it is not actual sex. Mind-boggling how people think this…
Often, I see on dating apps, like Grindr, headlines like “Hung4CDTS” for “LookingForCD”, always equating a “crossdresser”, which is a fetish, to trans women, who are women, not someone who is fetishizing feminine qualities. These headlines are created by cisgender men who have a fetish for trans women. The men, not realizing they are labeling trans women as men, cause damage. There is nothing wrong with being queer. As previously discussed, people view men dating trans women as gay, when in fact if most people would talk to trans women they would see there is a clear difference between a trans woman and a man.. I know for me I have been told multiple times my voice passes and my mannerisms are feminine which is a whole different discussion about the inequality all women face from not being feminine enough or the perfect, put-together eye-candy men view us as.
You, yet again, feel defeated.
You pack up and head to the car, mumble. Always a fetish, never a girlfriend…